Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

Tenant Excuses For Not Paying The Rent

"I can't pay my rent as my BMW is in the shop, and I cannot afford to pay for both." "I can't pay my rent because the cheques come out of Japan and the plane crashed." "If I move, my friends won't know where to find me." "Well, you see, I cannot pay the rent because my daughter ate my husband's wages."

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"I deposited my wages in the bank ATM and it got caught in the rollers. It took six days to tear apart the machine."

"I had my choice of paying the rent or buying a car. I bought a car. I knew you would understand."

"I am sure I paid you -- YOU must have lost it."

"You towed my car away that was illegally parked and I refuse to pay my rent until you get my car out of the pound."

"It's your fault. You deposited my cheque too late. My automatic withdrawals went through the bank before the rent cheque."

"There is nowhere else to go. The place I applied to will not take me because you are evicting me."

Finally, courtesy of Randy Chapman, office manager for the Apartment Association of Seattle & King County, this reason for not paying the rent: "The house is haunted."

Funny Stories relating to Landlords

A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment. After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question, "How many children do you have?" The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery." He got the apartment!

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."

Long on egotism but short on cash, the young actor was trying to talk his impatient landlord into waiting for the rent. "In a few years," he said, "people will point to this apartment and say 'Jones the famous actor, once lived there.'" "If I don't get my rent tonight," said the landlord, "they'll be able to say it tomorrow."

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe. "This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years." "Well," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."

A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once." "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk. "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them..."

A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet. Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quickly into his tool bag... A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet!" All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman turned a bright beet red. The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it. The woman never complained again.